School of Fish

The first three days have been survived.

I honestly wonder how many more can be outlasted.

This is how I feel about teachers/princi"pal"s/administration/"the board":

Heil

It's a strange sensation, knowing that these days are the final ones.

And that it's the beginning of the end.

Oh well, I do sort of like how School brings its friend, Fall along. It makes me feel crisp and fresh and wanting to buy arts and crafts. and mostly I anticipate jumping in a sizable pile of leaves and wearing long sleeves.

"I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."

An Appreciation of Pain

Before this past week, the ability to feel sorrow never occurred to me as a blessing.

Last Thursday, at 4:00 A.M., Pat Wilkinson passed away.

She was my grandmother, my mom's stepmom, and the love of my Grandfather's life.

I had been reaching out to her these past couple of months, I had started to get a glimpse into her heart, her intentions, and her life.

But something was wrong.

When I was awakened with the news, I did not feel sad, or lost, or even angry.

I felt... blank.

Blank, is the worst Emotion in the world. It is worse than Hatred. "blank" is NOT an emotion. "Blank" is indifference, which is a complete detachment from reality. And how can you live if you are not apart of life?

For those of you who know me, I'm an emotional person. I base my entire world off of what I feel, how I react, how I perceive.

and feeling nothing at all, being indifferent, is the most frightening sensation. Especially in inconsolable times like these.

I, luckily, was pummeled by the grief a few hours later, in a seminary class where I was asked to express love for a family member.

And that is how I came to the relieving conclusion that Sorrow, Pain, Grief, Agitation and all the negativeness life brings, is a complete and utter blessing. It's our connection to others, ourselves, but more importantly to God.

Here is to Pat, the woman who awakened me through her passing. Whom I later fully realized what she meant to me. And how she subtly inspired my life just by living hers.

She was dang feisty.

She could be a pill, bossy, and down right rude.

She had her love for her cats, my grandpa, and even us.

But she was the most independent woman I've ever met.

Her generosity reached no bounds. She gave so much of herself and her time and her quirky way of love. Her determination and strife for life inspired so many around her.

And I loved her.

and I will see her again....

Whisper

Is it bad that I sometimes just have to post lyrics to songs to express myself? yeah... very original of me...

Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still

Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

Sunly

Are we, in reality, suns?

Literally. Slash. Metaphorically.

I mean, we really could be

the center of our own solar system,

being the creation and cause.

Shedding true light

on millions of intelligent life forms

and in the end we would become red giants

e-x-p-l-0-d-i-n-g

with hydrogen and helium

energy

and light

billions of years of evolution

billions of years worth of thought

worth of love

worth of understanding.

and then we suck back into ourselves.

back into the entire universe

almost sucking back in through the other side of the universe

where all of our brethren of stars have gone before us.

and the process reiterates.

...

just... what if.?

Florida and Girls' Camp....? uh...

OH, how I've missed the People I've left behind. Although, I DID have fun in Florida :) We went to Cocoa Beach, which is about an hour and a half from Orlando...

And then there was a huge storm coming in, and so we had to run run run away. and we barely made it because by the time we got in our car after our lunch, it was coming down so hard we could barely see a few feet in front of us whilst driving... scarrryyy.

And then... after Orlando, we went to Tampa where my cousins were and my cousin's graduation from High School. Lovelyyy.

Anyway. Girls' Camp was fantastic. It was my last year... I'm a little faklempt, but at least Chloe took a million and a half pictures:)

Themoblubomem

My Mind feels trapped in my Body.

Or my Body wants to escape the relentless racing of my Mind.

Either way, something's got to give.

This constant fighting wears me out. I can't make either of them happy, because, they're both me.

But. Whatever. Here I am, at 3:10 in the morning. Not complaining... just... here.

Mind. You're racing. I can't stop the constant stream of thoughts you broadcast into my temporal lobe. Yes. I can actually hear you, thoughts, erupt in sound.

I think about one thing, and one thing only. Well. Two things. But they are both in the family.

I cannot terminate these thoughts/emotions/blurbs of memory.

Hard to explain- but they're past, present, and future themoblubomems. They're... here.

She is... here. She has left this world, but I know she is here. In a different world. In a better venue.

But. Your wake has shaken the ground of one. Therefore me. Therefore all.

But. The winds of havoc you brought have now tested the rock they chose for their standing place.

For that, I am sure, One is in gratitude.

But. You are missed. You were, nay, are loved. You.

Love.

A funny thing.

Blind, illogical, and diligent, it seems to never cease, but grow like fire, never wavering as it passes to the next bearer.

And now, we are all... here... in memory, in ideas, in standing, in progression.

Thanks. That was my themoblubomem for the night. Expect another soon.

Ridiculous.

Yes. You.

Stop apologizing and STAND UP for what you're "apologizing" for.

Who invented the lie that feeling anger, sorrow, or damaged is a sign of weakness?

Who told us that fear was to be pretended away, to be shunned?

Who was it that said Emotion was something to be ashamed of? To run away from? To ignore?

ALSO:

what is so wrong with being happy? just because life has taken drastic, horrible turns and is all sullen and supposed to be dramatic and bad does not mean we aren't entitled to a sliver of humor every once in a while.

I'm just WONDERING why the person who invented this deception of "How to Live" has been followed vigorously by ... everyone.

I can't handle all of this "it's fine," "it's horrible," "nothing's wrong," "my life sucks."

Guess what? Sometimes it's not fine and sometimes the good things in life are forgotten.

and the fact that it's not "fine" or the fact that it is, Is completely normal.

What is normal anyways?

I"m still just wondering WHO decides all of this.

Oh. wait.

I know the answer.

It is me.

It is you.

It is all of us.