An Appreciation of Pain

Before this past week, the ability to feel sorrow never occurred to me as a blessing.

Last Thursday, at 4:00 A.M., Pat Wilkinson passed away.

She was my grandmother, my mom's stepmom, and the love of my Grandfather's life.

I had been reaching out to her these past couple of months, I had started to get a glimpse into her heart, her intentions, and her life.

But something was wrong.

When I was awakened with the news, I did not feel sad, or lost, or even angry.

I felt... blank.

Blank, is the worst Emotion in the world. It is worse than Hatred. "blank" is NOT an emotion. "Blank" is indifference, which is a complete detachment from reality. And how can you live if you are not apart of life?

For those of you who know me, I'm an emotional person. I base my entire world off of what I feel, how I react, how I perceive.

and feeling nothing at all, being indifferent, is the most frightening sensation. Especially in inconsolable times like these.

I, luckily, was pummeled by the grief a few hours later, in a seminary class where I was asked to express love for a family member.

And that is how I came to the relieving conclusion that Sorrow, Pain, Grief, Agitation and all the negativeness life brings, is a complete and utter blessing. It's our connection to others, ourselves, but more importantly to God.

Here is to Pat, the woman who awakened me through her passing. Whom I later fully realized what she meant to me. And how she subtly inspired my life just by living hers.

She was dang feisty.

She could be a pill, bossy, and down right rude.

She had her love for her cats, my grandpa, and even us.

But she was the most independent woman I've ever met.

Her generosity reached no bounds. She gave so much of herself and her time and her quirky way of love. Her determination and strife for life inspired so many around her.

And I loved her.

and I will see her again....