Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Sometimes I go on a musical excersion. Because. You know. I don't have many friends, except CNN, YouTube, and Reddit.

This is what I listened to today. Sometimes you just need good stuff to fill your time/life/soul...

Liam Bailey:

Sondre Lerche:

Also, mother mother is a little emo.... which is usually not my style. However, they're kinda awesome, i'll be honest. They've got fantastic harmonies- Chicago/R.E.M.-esque. O Well.. .here's a go..

Mother Mother:

Today, was a great day:)
Got out an hour early from class. Actually went to dinner with people from around here. Met a dude! Super funny.

I'm going to miss Helaman... (but maybe I'm only saying that because I know it's coming to an end... like when you love your job a week before you quite..)

Also, I think today was especially good because I had incredible people visit me yesterday.

Cece and Chloe Mehr took me to lunch. They have no idea how much they enlivened me.

It felt so good to see people from home. As it usually does. But my home ward for sure..

There is something about those people. I'm so glad that I never took them for granted. Something that makes them stand out above all the rest.

I think it's because they have a lot of trust in themselves and hope in others. They just live. Really live. And it immediately liberates others from their own self-doubt or hopelessness.

Also. Chloe. Thank you for that huge compliment of a Blog Award.
I've never felt so honored.


I love people.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I kick butt at school! YEAH.
Okay... so .... maybe there is not that much butt-kicking. BUT i'm not failing. Not even close!! I'm so proud of myself.
Today, I received a compliment. Out of the blue. Does anyone know how FAR those things can go?
I'm overjoyed because some person said a tiny thing that she probably forgot by now, but my self-esteem has been set fire to, and I'm starting to believe it.
That's the best part of a compliment. Not the part where someone else said it, or whatever, but because you start to believe it. Then you start to become it, live up to it.

I had a bishop once tell me, "Decide on what kind of person you like and then become it. Just do it."
Well... Along those lines... But basically, I cherished them forever.
I want to be that compliment she gave me SO BAD. Of course I'm not that all the time. In fact, I'm not even that most of the time. But now... She gave me some courage to try.

I must say, my recalcitrance in this school/city/people took a toll...
I believed what I wanted.
Oh, The downward spiral of belief and its systems. How petty it is, how well it portrays the human existence.
I supposed what I wanted, first, and then searched everywhere for the oddities as to add to my assumptions.
I have a plan, however.
How to Stay on the Right Track Healthily:
1: Stop second-guessing yourself. You're never as wrong as you think you are.
2: Never stop checking yourself with Him. You're never as concrete as you think you are.
3: Be grateful of all.

So.... Here is a gift to myself.

To you who lost faith in me, to you who laughed in my face, Thank you.
To you who said I could not do it,
who shook your head and sighed, I thank you.
To you who was reluctant to let me be happy, who did not want to see me go, who held on tightly and ironically ran away from the things you held dear, Thank you.
For discouragement, frustration, disbelief, and fear, you have my deepest regards.

For with out you, me, you would not have come to realize that you have control over your beliefs about yourself. Neither would you have doubted yourself in the first place. But that's the beauty of it, isn't it?
The Ying-Yang of life always makes things clear and obvious.

It is quite liberating, actually, to be released from the clutches of yourself.
Of course, this won't be the last time, I take myself hostage in my character doubt...

But for now, I feel free. I know it. I'm alive. and that's all I can do right now. Just to know that I live and breathe... and still love despite those who hurt.

There will be those who will always be a mystery to me. An infuriating, miserable, ridiculous mystery. For I do not know why the ability to make up a mind is so beyond the bounds of possibility for so many. Nor do I understand how when a decision is made, others that are consequential to you are not involved.

But, it is because of these vexations why I know who I am, and how life is meant to be lived. or how it's not meant to be lived, and by default.... well.... how it's meant to be lived. :)

So, again, Thank you, opposition. Thank you, self. Thank you, void. Thank you, hurt.
Because of your abbhorance, the exhilarating taste of existence is that much sweeter.

P.S. That was good ole Andy Warhol. Those "Silver Clouds" he did just sort remind me of curiosity and the power it has to create a sense of freedom and breathability. Enjoy!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Mint Condish

In honor of my newish life, I've opted for a newish look for my blog:)
I love changing it, I'm going to be honest. I take great pleasure in the layout and look of where I sometimes write. I even took that picture all by myself.
Speaking of Honesty...

I think I'm about to honestly say what I think of this place: I have no clue what I'm doing here yet.

My roommate is awesome. The academics are engaging. The professors are helpful. But am not in love. Yet?

I'm in a type of culture shock. Even coming from a place where the populace is overwhelmingly LDS and maybe even a mini-me of Provo, it at least seemed like Earth.
Not... a cloud.

BUT. That's only the sad part of this place. (other than the fact that every time I get on Facebook, I feel an incessant impulse to draw blood from my skin, revert to Tourette's, and end my account's life in a whirl of anguish and despair to compensate for my torment at not ever being involved in the joy and fun and awesomeness occurring at home)
. . .
The good news is that I'm at college and am admittedly having fun .. sometimes.. TOO!

Though at first I thought they would be the death of me, the girls here in my hall are spectacular!! Every single one of them is hilarious.

Also, the campus itself is beautiful.
Every day, I walk up a hill of trees and glory and beauty.

I'll post pictures later probs.