I kick butt at school! YEAH.
Okay... so .... maybe there is not that much butt-kicking. BUT i'm not failing. Not even close!! I'm so proud of myself.
Today, I received a compliment. Out of the blue. Does anyone know how FAR those things can go?
I'm overjoyed because some person said a tiny thing that she probably forgot by now, but my self-esteem has been set fire to, and I'm starting to believe it.
That's the best part of a compliment. Not the part where someone else said it, or whatever, but because you start to believe it. Then you start to become it, live up to it.
I had a bishop once tell me, "Decide on what kind of person you like and then become it. Just do it."
Well... Along those lines... But basically, I cherished them forever.
I want to be that compliment she gave me SO BAD. Of course I'm not that all the time. In fact, I'm not even that most of the time. But now... She gave me some courage to try.
I must say, my recalcitrance in this school/city/people took a toll...
I believed what I wanted.
Oh, The downward spiral of belief and its systems. How petty it is, how well it portrays the human existence.
I supposed what I wanted, first, and then searched everywhere for the oddities as to add to my assumptions.
I have a plan, however.
How to Stay on the Right Track Healthily:
1: Stop second-guessing yourself. You're never as wrong as you think you are.
2: Never stop checking yourself with Him. You're never as concrete as you think you are.
3: Be grateful of all.
So.... Here is a gift to myself.
To you who lost faith in me, to you who laughed in my face, Thank you.
To you who said I could not do it,
who shook your head and sighed, I thank you.
To you who was reluctant to let me be happy, who did not want to see me go, who held on tightly and ironically ran away from the things you held dear, Thank you.
For discouragement, frustration, disbelief, and fear, you have my deepest regards.
For with out you, me, you would not have come to realize that you have control over your beliefs about yourself. Neither would you have doubted yourself in the first place. But that's the beauty of it, isn't it?
The Ying-Yang of life always makes things clear and obvious.
It is quite liberating, actually, to be released from the clutches of yourself.
Of course, this won't be the last time, I take myself hostage in my character doubt...
But for now, I feel free. I know it. I'm alive. and that's all I can do right now. Just to know that I live and breathe... and still love despite those who hurt.
There will be those who will always be a mystery to me. An infuriating, miserable, ridiculous mystery. For I do not know why the ability to make up a mind is so beyond the bounds of possibility for so many. Nor do I understand how when a decision is made, others that are consequential to you are not involved.
But, it is because of these vexations why I know who I am, and how life is meant to be lived. or how it's not meant to be lived, and by default.... well.... how it's meant to be lived. :)
So, again, Thank you, opposition. Thank you, self. Thank you, void. Thank you, hurt.
Because of your abbhorance, the exhilarating taste of existence is that much sweeter.
P.S. That was good ole Andy Warhol. Those "Silver Clouds" he did just sort remind me of curiosity and the power it has to create a sense of freedom and breathability. Enjoy!
