Stupid Human Moments

I'm not coming back to UT! I just decided.

JK. I could never do that. I miss the big ole state of hives and bees and honey and watermelon.

But Sometimes, world, I have an extreme human moment where All of my past lives show up on my doorstep at the MOST inconvenient times.

I am so sorry for that.

This blog is extremely good for me to try and be what I need to be- a venter.

And sometimes, I am constricted with what I have, so I can't talk to all of you.. sometimes any of you... about the truth of the matter.
But I do want you to know that you matter so much to me. In fact, it's the reason why I can't tell you somethings. It's the reason why sometimes I don't even make sense. Like right now, for instance.

But. Like all good tunnels of darkness, there's light at the end of it. And it is also that same light that illuminates some of the crevices (cruh-VA-ces, as Jane would say it) of my beautiful, dark tunnel. And like all things that wish to be kept hidden, sometimes it really, truthfully, hurts to have a light shined on it.
It's better that way.
It may hurt now, but it's always, always, always, always better to know the truth about your mind. And I'll be the first to tell you that it feels better to shrink away from what is true at the moment you see it. But the more things are not faced, the more your stomach begins to ache from all the emotional acid eroding your insides.
I've had a stomach ache for a long time. I'm really good at not throwing up. You can do the math at what that means for me... But I think It's time I threw up. Yes. I'm serious. Not literal, but serious.

So. I cannot wait to come back and see my friends. I cannot wait to see my beautiful, eternal family. I cannot wait to get back to real life and to see if all the things I've learned so far this summer will stick, or if it's a process, or if it's practice... or what. I don't know anything, really.
What I do know for sure is that happiness exists and love prevails and good triumphs over evil and I hope permeates all my thoughts no matter how much I would rather just sit and wallow. All the good stuff we learned in kindergarten IS the true stuff. It's harder to see it the older we get, but the older we get the harder it is for us to see anyway. So. There.

Don't read all of this. This just helps me freaking breathe sometimes.

PTSD

As it turns out, I'm not the strong one, after all.

I'm very, very weak.

Cat

Sometimes I cannot tell for sure if part of that is about me or someone else.

I can't tell for sure if you and I are in a conversation. But I choose to believe that some of it is true. That I am a part of you as much as you are a part of me.

And the parts of you that are not me are more beautiful than my life as a whole. The parts of you that are parts of me make me believe in anything, in everything.

I didn't know before how distances could make a heart grow stronger. But now I see it's because it is distance that stretches us like a rubberband. And the tension brings a sort of clarity to us. I'm pulled toward you like the day I met you, for the second time in life.

I'm in awe and love with the things that make you different, unique, brilliant, special. But it's the things that are the same that keep me grateful. Because you understand me. You understand reality. You understood more than you give yourself credit for, as usual. 

You've always understood.

What I'm trying to say is, we are genius. And I remember.